I didn't go to church today. The official reason is that I hadn't completed a full 24 hours of my strep throat antibiotics, and I might have still been contagious. But honestly, I'm so thankful for that excuse. Because mostly I hate going to church on Mother's Day.
In fact, I hate going anywhere on Mother's Day. I need more contact solution, but I would rather wear my somewhat uncomfortable glasses then brave Walgreens on a day like today. Church, stores, social media, commercials - all things to be avoided on a day celebrating the mother I don't have any more.
I thought it would be easier this year. Last year, Mother's Day fell exactly one week after my mom's memorial service, and about three and half weeks after she died. My dad and sister and I went out to lunch and shared stories about my mom and it felt fine. Good, even. So this year, past the one year mark, after having a breakdown-free Mother's Day last year, it should be easier, right?
I can't even bring myself to wish my friends who are mothers a happy Mother's Day. It's selfish, I know, but it just hurts too much. How can you be happy on a day like this? And my friends who are mothers who are themselves motherless, unmothered - I can't even imagine how they do it.
Today, articles like this one give words to my grief. They tell me I'm not overreacting by hiding today. And they remind me that I'm not alone.