Saturday, February 9, 2013

It was always going to be a totally shit time

My mom had an MRI on Monday and they found a new brain tumor. This one is 2 inches by ½ an inch, and it wasn’t there two months ago. The doctor says that she has 2 – 3 months left.

I’ve anticipated this day – this day when they find a tumor regrowth. I’ve expected it at the last 4 MRI’s. But I wasn’t prepared for this.

I wasn’t prepared for how short 2 – 3 months feels. I wasn’t prepared for having to think about things like what the memorial service will be like, or what the living room will look like when she’s not sitting in her chair.

I wasn’t prepared for the tears that won’t stop coming, that leak out of my eyes at strange times. I wasn’t prepared for the ache that hasn’t gone away since I heard the news.

I wasn’t prepared for how loving my friends and coworkers would be, or for how supported I’d feel. I wasn’t prepared for all the sincere offers of hugs and company that I’d get.

But mostly I’m not prepared for her to die. I’m just not ready. I know that it’s been almost a year and a half coming, but I’m just not ready.

And I wasn’t prepared (and you probably weren’t either) for how much I just want to scream and curse, and mostly yell FUCK YOU to the universe.

But hey, it was always going to be a totally shit time, right?

(A gold star for you if you can guess the movie the title of this blog post came from. Two gold stars if you can describe the scene.)


  1. I am so sorry.
    I do know how you feel. I was really close to Mom and Dad. I miss them greatly. everyday I ask myself it they would like the way my life turned out. It does SUCK.
    I loved them so much it hurts. I will admit I was Mom's baby. I regret not spending more time with Dad before he passed.

    Spend as much time with your mom as you can. You have to be strong not just for Susie but for Jim and Becca too.

    Know that you all are loved by friends and family.

    Love Rick

  2. I'm sorry for this news now, so very difficult.

  3. I am so terribly sorry for the horrible news. There isn't anything that anyone can do or say to make you feel like this will be doable, or to make you feel less like telling the world to eff off, and for that I'm sorry, too.

    The only solace (if you can find any, but I think it eventually comes) is really just knowing how much you love her and spending as much time as possible with her. It's such a double edged sword--loving someone this much, but be that as it may, it's still very very powerful, and I like to believe that love transcends it all.

    Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:

    “For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

    You have my prayers, always.