Monday, June 25, 2012

Twice in one week

My mom went into the ER twice this past week. In fact, she was in the same room in the ER twice this past week.

She’s fine now, just to calm any fears.

On Tuesday she was sent in to the ER by her doctor, because she was so constipated she was in serious pain whenever she tried to stand. They were afraid it was a bowel obstruction. After a day of tests they decided it wasn’t, that it was just a result of some seriously constipating medication she takes, and she was sent home. She’s fine now, and back to her normal… regularity.

On Sunday she went into the ER because she got so dizzy whenever she tried to sit up that she fell over. My dad thought at first she might be having another stroke, and he couldn’t get her into the wheelchair without her getting dizzy, so the paramedics came. She wasn’t having a stroke, and after an MRI and some other tests, it’s decided that the dizziness was not caused by the cancer, and probably caused by some antibiotics she was taking. She’s fine now, and able to sit up without a problem.

Two ER visits, two sets of good news. So why am I in such a funk? Why is it that I’m scared all the time, worried that my dad’s phone calls will bring bad news? Why is it that my eyes are puffy and won’t stop leaking?

Before this, I was living in this bearable state of equilibrium, of normalcy. Every time people asked how my mom was, I was able to say “the same.” She was the same – speaking a little, walking a little, watching TV. She was in good spirits, she was feeling all right. Normal.

But these ER visits, they feel like they’ve disturbed the sludge at the bottom of what used to be a peaceful pond. Ugly things, scary things that I’ve forgotten over the past few months are rising to the surface, disturbing the placid waters. Fears, worries, tears. Even though everything is okay again, it doesn’t feel normal any more.

These ER visits mean that things aren’t as stable as they looked. I have to be ready for anything, any news.

So here we go, back to living on the edge.

2 comments:

  1. Very, very hard.

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  2. I'm glad your mom is doing fine after those two ER visits. I understand how you feel on so many levels, I teared up reading this entry. It's always such an unsettling feeling when there's an interruption of this new adjusted normalcy. But I think, just as you said/may have realized, that it's important to hold on to the moments of when she is okay. Living on the edge is terrifying, but we should allow it, too, to make us appreciative of every minute.

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