Bullied

Sometimes I feel bullied by the universe.

No matter what I want to happen, no matter what I expect life to be like, I’m overruled by the universe. And recently that overruling hasn’t been full of sunshine and roses. Instead I’ve been overruled by crap, pushed into a corner by shitty situations, silenced by suffering.

I’m being punched in the face by the universe. By the ugly, dark part of the universe. The part that doesn’t want me to ever have a voice, to ever stop feeling like a victim.

So what do I do? How do handle being repeatedly punched and kicked and beaten up for my metaphorical lunch money? (In this metaphor, my lunch money is anything good, and happy, and beautiful. My lunch money is my hope and my joy.)

Well, I sometimes cower in the corner. Though I wish I could say I’m strong enough to stay positive, to not be victimized, to persevere, often times I’m not.

And then sometimes, as I’m cowering in the corner, I remember that I’m not alone. I remember that I’m not even taking the full force of the punches. I remember that Jesus is taking the punches for me, that he’s putting his body between mine and the universe’s fist. I don’t have to be strong, I don’t have to be positive – he’s doing that for me.

And then sometimes, when I remember that (which doesn’t happen very often), I realize that I don’t have to cower in the corner. I don’t have to feel like the victim. I don’t have to give up my lunch money, because I’m not alone, I’m not without protection. And then I realize I can respond to the bullying in a different way – with laughter maybe, without fear, or with confidence that I won’t be completely overpowered.

It’s hard work. It’s hard to re-train myself to not respond in fear. It’s hard to remember that I’m not alone. I still feel the punches, especially when they come as a surprise. Cowering in the corner is still my first response.

But maybe, just maybe, I’ll slowly retrain my reflexes. Maybe someday I’ll skip the cowering and respond instead with confidence and laughter, with my lunch money intact. And it won’t be because I’m strong, and it won’t be because my skin is so thick I can’t feel it. It’ll be because I’m protected by the one who takes on all my pain, my hurt, my mistakes, and carries them himself. It’ll be because I’m not alone.