Distracted

Some of my friends came over today, and it was great to see them (seriously friends, thanks for coming by. It really made my day). But the whole time I was hanging out with them I was looking at the clock, doing things on my computer, estimating the traffic I’d run into when I left for the hospital to visit my mom.  I wanted to spend time with them, I really did, but I couldn’t keep my mind there.

I was just so distracted. And that distraction really isn’t profound (I mean, how often are you thinking ahead to the next thing when you’re in the middle of something else?) but as I was driving I was wondering: why am I distracted, really?

Am I distracted because I really want to see my mom? Because I don’t want her to feel alone in the hospital room, especially since she can’t speak? Or was it just because I was super set on missing traffic?

Am I just worried that I’ll miss something - a new development, an important doctor’s visit, or something worse? Or is it just easier to be at the hospital, where my new reality seems the most real, instead of back at home, where things feel almost normal?

Maybe I’m afraid that if I’m not at the hospital with my mom I’ll be able to forget, pretend this never happened, and just keep living life like it was before, as if things had never changed.

So friends, I’m sorry I wasn’t more present when I was hanging out with you before. I really wanted to be, and I really did value you being there with me. I’ll try to work on living in this tension of life-as-it-was-before, and life-as-it-is-now. And maybe I’ll learn, slowly, how to be present in both worlds.