Finding Joy

Everyone tells me we’re supposed to find joy. Joy in the midst of suffering, joy in every circumstance, or something like that.

But joy, well, joy feels like sunshine and rainbows and puppies. It feels contrived, cheesy and impossible for me right now. It’s probably because of how the word joy has been misused over the years – I’m pretty sure that back in the day, joy was more pure and true than the fleeting and shallow happiness it’s associated with in my head nowadays. But since my understanding of joy is tempered by my context, joy just isn’t gonna happen anytime soon.

So instead I find life. I find the small things that give me life – the short moments that lighten my day, that give my soul rest, that bring peace.

Today life was walking to this little park next to a busy street when I had a break between work and therapy; life was going to that park, sitting in the sun, leaning on a tree, and reading my Madeleine L’Engle book, The Irrational Season, for about 15 minutes. Life was seeing some bright orange poppies on the side of the road. Life was listening to one of my favorite Ben Folds Five live recordings, “The Complete Sessions at West 54th.”

Yesterday life was making hamburgers and staying up late laughing with the interns. Life was getting last, sweet moments with Alex before she heads back to LA for awhile.

Sunday, life was watching the river out in the woods where we had our prayer retreat. Life was praying for the interns, coming back and watching LOTR 3, and eating gifted cupcakes.

Saturday, Friday, Thursday… some days have more life in them then others. But every day, I try to find a little bit of life, a little bit of light to push back against the fog, the darkness that presses in on me. On the days I can’t find life myself, I look to my friends to help bring me life. To sit with me, to make me laugh, to lighten the load just a little.

Maybe someday these life moments will be renamed in my head. Maybe someday I’ll be able to admit that these moments of life are actually little pockets of joy, without feeling like a fraud. But for now the word joy still gets stuck on my tongue. And for now I am content with finding life instead.