Beauty

Some days I feel like doing something really stupid. Really destructive. Something that will dull the anguish my soul feels.

I mean, really, if I’m going to do something stupid, isn’t this the time to do it? Isn’t this kind of grief the kind where people get really drunk, or really high, or hurt themselves? Isn’t this the time people try to anesthetize the pain with stuff like that?

But I haven’t done any of those things. Even though sometimes I’ve really, really wanted to.

What’s kept me from being destructive? What’s kept me from turning to what most people turn to in times like this? Trust me, its not inherent goodness (because I’m not inherently good), or a desire to be perfect (because I don’t to be perfect, its too hard to be). And if you told me it was the grace of Jesus I would probably laugh in your face (my heart hears that more like a pep talk than truth, even though my head knows its part of the answer).

But today the reason I don’t do something destructive is Josh Garrel’s new remix of his song "Processional". Maybe tomorrow it will be the flowers I bought myself at the Farmers Market today. Maybe Monday it will be the sunlight coming in through the big window in my kitchen.

I don’t do something destructive because of one thing: beauty. I don’t want my destruction to cancel out the beauty I see or hear or taste or touch. I want beauty to reign, not the fake beauty we’ve been sold for so long, but true, creative beauty. And though my destructive desires might not be directly aimed at Josh Garrels, or my flowers, or the sun, acts of destruction do something to the fabric of the world, and hurt the beautiful things.

So no destruction for me. No matter how much my inner demons are calling out for something ugly, something stupid. I need to keep going back to beauty, reminding myself what my destruction would really destroy.