Rest

Today I was reading the blog of Phileena Heuertz, and her entry titled “What do you most need right now?” struck me.

The question stuck in my head. What do I most need right now? What, out of everything I could name, do I need most?

The first answer that popped in my head: rest.

I mulled on that for awhile. Was that my answer just because I had a long weekend? A long month? Was it because I was in the middle of my work day, and I was running low on steam (yes, I was reading her blog during work, but luckily its relevant*)? Are there other things that will come to me more slowly that I actually need more?

But no, I’m sticking with my first answer. The thing I need most is rest. Above all the other things I want (my mom to get better, my dad to not be in pain), the thing I need most, and the thing that is the most practical, is rest.

I don’t really know how to rest right now. I tried to rest tonight, but instead I finished Catching Fire for the second time (way too intense to be restful) and painted my nails while watching “Mean Girls” (yah, it also wasn’t restful). I’ve rested recently, when I was in beautiful places like Yosemite, or a hermitage in Big Sur. But that rest was fleeting, and followed by such stress (like my mom going into the ER) that it feels canceled out. 

So how do I rest? How do I rest when I’m always on edge, knowing that things could go south for my mom at any moment? How do I rest when I can’t unplug completely, in case something goes wrong? How do I rest when all I want to do is spend time with my mom?

I really am asking. If you have any ideas, please send them my way.



*Phileena Heuertz, co-director of Word Made Flesh and author of Pilgrimage of a Soul is one of my favorite authors. When I read her book it was a mirror and a comfort to my soul. And she’s going to be the speaker at the InterVarsity Urban Project Consultation this fall, which I’m planning, so I’m going to get to meet her! And that’s how it connects to work, and I why I get to read her blog at my job ;)