The analytical side of me says that they haven't forgotten, they just don't know what to say. Death makes people uncomfortable, sadness makes people squirm, so talking to a sad girl about her dead mom certainly isn't pleasant. And I mean, what do you ask? "How are you doing?" can't be answered honestly, unless you have a good chunk of time to talk. "How's your dad doing" doesn't really do it either, especially when the person asking doesn't know my dad.
So what does that leave? Mostly it leaves silence, or unrelated-to-dead-mom conversation topics.
Except she's all I'm thinking about. She's all I want to talk about. She's a greater presence in my life now than she was before she died. The only time I'm not thinking about her is when I'm distracted by work and TV - and sometimes even then she's there.
I don't know a solution to this dilemma. I don't know how to tell people it's okay to ask me about my mom. I don't know how to make people less uncomfortable around death and sadness. And I don't know the good questions to ask that don't sound trite or awkward.
All I do know is that if you really want to know how I'm doing, if you really want to check in with me, then just ask. Ask me questions about how I'm doing, ask me questions about what I'm thinking about her. (If I don't want to answer them right then I'll let you know. I'm very good at speaking my mind.) It may make me sad; it may even make me cry. But I know I can handle it, and I think you can too.
Of course you're thinking of her all the time. I know what you mean. Some people didn't want to hear about sickness and physical decline, and those same people don't know what to say about death and grief. I found that being part of a weekly hospice grief group for the past 9 months has been about the only place where I/we could talk about it and the others there "got it." We were there to talk about it, and cry, and thank goodness for that!
ReplyDeleteI'm still reading you. And I will keep reading you, so thanks for continuing to post!