Delayed

Things have settled down now - I've moved into a new home, I've unpacked my stuff. For the first time in almost two years I've spent more than ten days in Oakland. I've started to get back in the groove of things - work, hanging out with friends, baking a little, yoga. 

But now that I'm settled, I'm starting to feel the emotions I've pushed down and ignored since my mom got sick. 

I had to ignore the shock when she first got sick, just so I could be with her in the hospital. I had to get rid of the fear of what this would do to her so I could cherish whatever moments I had. I had to ignore the longing for her as I remembered her before so I could be fully present with her after the stroke. I had to hide the overwhelming sadness just so I could get through the day, and so I could make her laugh as often as possible. 

But now it's over. But now I have time to breathe. So now everything I put on hold is here. 

Fear. Sadness. Longing. They've been delayed, but now they're gonna be here for a little while.