She's gone

It took me 3 months, 22 days, 12 hours and 30 minutes to get it. To understand that she’s gone, and she’s not coming back.

Before yesterday at approximately 2:30pm it felt like she was just on vacation. Like some composite of herself-before-the-stroke and herself-after-the-stroke was away for a little while, but would come waltzing in soon, bringing us souvenirs from wherever she was.

It was easier to think that than the alternative: that she was dead and she wasn’t coming back.

I think it’s a sort of defense mechanism – thinking she was on vacation was all I could handle at first. It was my brain, my body protecting me from the truth: that she’s dead and she’s not coming back.

Since yesterday’s realization I’ve slipped back a few times, forgetting that she’s gone. I have to keep reminding myself, telling myself “she’s gone and she’s not coming back.” It may seem cruel to treat myself that way, to be that blunt to myself. But it’s the truth, its reality. I can’t live in a dreamland forever.

So she’s gone, and she’s not coming back. She’s dead and she’s not coming back. Remember that, Katye. It’s time to know that, and to prepare for what that means for the future, from now on.