Energy

Every so often I'll get a burst of energy, of excitement, of adrenaline, of something that acts like a natural high. For a few days I'll be happy, smiling, my old, vibrant self. I'll watch less TV and get more things done.

Two weeks ago I got this burst of energy from getting a new tattoo. The new tattoo made me feisty at my small group, gave me thrifting power, and kept me smiling for a weekend.

Yesterday I got another burst of energy after enrolling in a new health insurance plan for next year through the Affordable Care Act (OBAMACARE!). Getting health insurance in less than two hours, instead of being in limbo for at least four months like I was the last time I tried to get health insurance, was a victory. The insurance-having adrenaline helped me run errands, get a lot done at work, and even get my oil changed.

But I'm starting to crash. The energy and excitement of insurance won't hold out for much longer. I'm starting to feel more and more tired and blue. And even though it feels over-simplified to say it, I know why: I'm sad.

Sure it's been six months, but I'm still sad - as sad as I was when she first died. I still miss her, and wish more than anything else that I could have more time with her. My therapist keeps asking me why I'm feeling sad - I think she's wondering if there's a specific traumatic situation we should work through, but there isn't one - I just miss my mom.

I'm hoping that some day the bursts of energy will last longer, and the crash won't feel as hard. But for now, every time I'm feeling able I know I have to milk it for all its worth, since the sadness will come back soon. (And maybe someday I'll write a blog post on a happy day - that would be a nice change!)

So here it comes. That feeling of sadness, of missing my mom. Maybe Halloween candy will give me an energy spike this week, at least for a little bit.