I’m on this retreat because my mom was dying, and I was exhausted out of my mind, and I was so overworked, and I couldn’t stop, and it was so hard, and I couldn’t stop, and I had to keep going, and I couldn’t stop, and I wouldn’t pull myself away from her because I wanted every possible minute with her.
And so I told myself that when my mom died I was going to go on a contemplative retreat.
Because for almost two years I didn’t have stillness, didn’t have solitude, couldn’t have silence.
But now – now I can stop. Now I can be still. Now I can soak in the beauty of the silence, of the solitude.
Except I’ve realized I’m here because even now I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to sit in silence, because my memories of her are too loud and hurt too much. I don’t know how to be still, because I was moving for so long. I don’t know how to be alone, because all I want is to be with my mom.
So I need to practice. I need to train. I need to exercise my silence, my stillness, my solitude. I need to train my body, my mind, my soul to stop.
Be still and know that I am God
Be still and know that I am
Be still and know
Be still
Be
You are so wise. For a year after my husband's death, I couldn't do devotional time, didn't even want to. Felt like I had to hold everything together, and sitting in silence was too difficult. This grief thing is harder than I ever imagined!
ReplyDeleteI'm thankful for you!