Is it okay?

Yesterday I asked my mom if it was okay that I don't think about her all the time. I asked her if it was okay that I don't cry ever day anymore, that I don't miss her every moment, that I don't always think about the hole she left.

And she said, "Of course. I want you to be happy. I love you."

Because I don't - I don't think about her all the time. Not that I don't miss her - I do, a lot. But I don't think about it every second of every day anymore. I've finally come out of the haze of grief. Grief doesn't have the same hold it once had on my life anymore. Grief isn't taking over my days. Grief isn't the first thing I feel in the morning and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep at night.

I can look at her picture, conjure up a memory of her, be reminded of her and feel sad - but not overwhelmed. I can move again, I can dream again, I can smile again.

And I know that makes her glad.

Yesterday was a good day. Today has been a good day too. And even though I say this now - that I'm not slammed by grief, that I'm not overtaken - I know that some days I will be. So today, I reserve the right to be fine, to be happy. Tomorrow, two weeks from now, two months from now, I reserve the right to be whatever I feel like being.

Maybe grief will take over again for a little while - and that will be okay. But today, tonight, I just imagine her smile.