Autonomy

“Mourning the loss of one’s autonomy is one of the most agonizing tortures there is.”
            - Marie de Hennezel, Intimate Death

My friend leant me this book, Intimate Death. When he first handed it to me, I asked him, “Will I be able to handle this book, or will it just make me cry?” He said he’d thought about that, and he didn’t know. So I decided to give it a shot.

I started reading it tonight. I’ve read thirty pages. And it’s fantastic. (Seriously, book plug: read Intimate Death by Marie de Hennezel. And ignore the fact that I linked to Amazon, and instead buy it at a used or local bookstore, or my mom will make scary faces at you. And not just because she likes to make scary faces, but because she used to work at a local children’s bookstore, Hicklebee’s. Shameless plug for Hicklebee's. And now this is the longest parenthetical phrase I think I’ve ever used. I should have prefaces this with “sidebar,” or “watch out, Katye’s getting on her local and used bookstore soapbox again.” And… DONE!)

Truly, folks, this book is amazing. Marie de Hennezel worked as a psychologist in the first palliative care unit in Paris (read: a Hospice hospital). Her job was to be with people in their last days, months, years. The subtitle of the book is “How the Dying Teach Us How to Live,” and she shares what she’s learned simply by telling stories of her patients, who became her friends and teachers of life as she walked with them towards death.

This quote, this “Mourning the loss of one’s autonomy is one of the most agonizing tortures there is” struck me, in the midst of many other heavy, heartbreaking, and beautiful truths that Marie spoke. (Yes, I will call her Marie. I feel like we have a connection, she and I, and I like to be on a first name basis with my authors. And you think I’m being facetious... now, back to our scheduled programming.)

“Mourning the loss of one’s autonomy is one of the most agonizing tortures there is.”

This quote struck me because I can’t imagine what it’s like, to lose your autonomy.

I can’t imagine what it’s like for my mom to be dependent on other people all the time. To need someone’s help in cutting up her food, in going to the bathroom, in brushing her teeth, in expressing herself. She used to be so independent, and now she literally can’t survive without other people.

And not just to lose your autonomy in the daily things, the basic survival things. But in how long you’re going to live, how much time you have left. I know none of us really have autonomy in how long we’re going to live, but it feels like we do. I feel like I can do whatever I want with my life. I don’t feel like someone has decided my future for me.

But knowing you only have a short time to live – that must feel like all power has been taken from you.

And so “mourning the loss of one’s autonomy is one of the most agonizing tortures there is.” Or so it seems. I’ll have to ask my mom to know for sure.