Implode

I told myself the reason I stopped writing blog entries as often was because nothing was new - everything I was thinking and feeling was a repeat of what I’d already thought and felt. I mean, it’s certainly not as dramatic as it was when this all first started.

But really, that’s a lie. I’m just hiding. Hiding from what I’m thinking and feeling.

And I’m just tired. Tired of thinking, tired of feeling, tired of running around each week to get everything done and still get out to San Jose. Tired of feeling transient, especially when I’m sleeping on an air mattress at least two nights out of the week.

Tired, tired, tired. Sometimes I just wish I could be numb. But I’ve been reading Harry Potter recently (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, book 5 of the series, and yes, I know I’m a nerd) and Dumbledore has some things to say about that. Namely:

“The fact that you can feel pain like this is your greatest strength,” and,

“Harry, suffering like this proves you are still a man! This pain is part of being human –“

(Though, just for integrity’s sake, Harry’s response is “THEN – I – DON’T – WANT – TO – BE – HUMAN!” Sometimes I feel like yelling the same thing.)

Whether I trust Dumbledore or not, I probably can’t keep running from my pain. Not for the long term, anyway.

But if I do sometimes run, please let me, okay? Otherwise I might implode.