It’s been more than five months since my mom’s stroke, and I expect to be normal.
I expect to be able to laugh at people’s jokes, have both ridiculous and deep conversations with friends, work efficiently and well, exercise, cook delicious meals, and just generally be at fully capacity. Oh, and I expect to act and interact like I did before all of this – like nothing has changed.
Except so much has. So much has changed.
And underneath the normal that I’m trying to display lies the not normal – the part of me that is still shaken to my core, the part of me that still can’t believe this is happening. The part of me that wants to respond to people’s polite how-are-you-doings with my fears and worries for my family instead of the standard “I’m fine.”
Luckily, I have a blog to get some of that out, so it doesn’t spill onto an innocent checker at Target, or the random neighbor I meet in the elevator.
So how are you doing, Katye?
Well, I’m worried that my dad might still have a hard time getting on disability through our insurance company. Even though the church is all for it, and all his doctors agree that it’s time, the insurance company spent an hour and a half asking him questions about his medical history, and asking him when he’s going to go back to work again (umm, hello, he has a degenerative illness, he’s not going back to work. Read his file already!)
I’m worried because my mom is really tired, more than she was before. It might be the chemo (she’s taking chemo five days out of the month, and they’re giving her a higher dose than before), but it’s making it hard. She can’t even transfer from her chair to the wheelchair in the evenings without my dad almost lifting her, and she has a harder time speaking when she’s tired.
I’m irritated because my mom’s physical therapist said that its alright that my mom is almost falling when she walks (the therapist is trying to change her gait and have her use a cane instead of a walker), as long as there’s someone there to catch her. HOW IS IT OKAY THAT MY MOM HAS NEARLY FALLEN FOUR TIMES IN THE LAST WEEK? I’m all for challenging her, but not when it could severely hurt her.
I’m frustrated because I want to be fully there in my internship, at work, with my family, and with my friends, but I just can’t do it – I just don’t have the emotional and physical energy. I’m frustrated because I’m sick of relying on a sleeping pill to help me fall asleep every night. And I’m frustrated because this blog post is not the well-composed piece of art I expected it to be.
But probably, if you asked me how I was doing in real life, I’d just say I was fine.
I think it's ok if you want to tell people you see in passing that you're fine - that doesn't make you inauthentic, it just means that you don't have to try and convey the very complicated feelings you're experiencing at the moment. Or, you could carry around business cards with this web address on it and say, "check my blog."
ReplyDeleteWhile many of our peers are probably not experiencing exactly what you're going through at this time, I think most people in our age group are constantly readjusting to a "new normal" based on major life events, both good and bad, joyous and sorrowful. More of our time is taken up with adult obligations, and we have to learn to pick and choose what we put our energy into. We can't operate the same way we did in college - there aren't enough hours in the day, and for most of us, the real world is a lot more real than we expected.
At least, that's what I'm finding. Love you, friend!
In grief and suffering, I hate social norms and I hated that phrase. So I wrote a mass email and told people not to ask me that question. ;)
ReplyDeleteBack at the Trilogy conference in October, it was my birthday but I was dealing with a period of hopelessness. The whole day people asked me if I was having a good day. Because they were students I kept saying "Yes!" with a happy smile. By the end of the day I was emotionally constipated. I had to go get prayer ministry and take a big dump. Hehe...
I'm so sorry that on top of every thing else, you have to deal with bull from the insurance company and incompetencies of a physical therapist.
ReplyDeleteAbout being "fully" there--that's a really hard expectation to have for yourself on all fronts with all that's going on. You're "there" as best as you can, and that's all any one can really ask from you.
I used to count from 30 and backwards when I felt like the room was spinning, and at night, I'd do powers of 3 until I was absolutely bored/confused enough to go to sleep. Sleep is probably the most important thing you're able to give yourself right now because I know eating becomes a chore, so maybe the sleeping pill isn't such a bad thing (?)
I also used to waver between saying "I'm fine" just to get rid of people and keep them from talking to, "yeah. you know the answer to that question...." but I think the key is really just giving yourself a break and some credit for tiny things. Living by the hour, or minute even if you have to, as cliche as that sounds.
And of course, if there's anything you need that I can help with, I'm here. I'm sure many people share that sentiment sincerely.