Earplugs

I’m afraid to wear earplugs.

I don’t normally wear earplugs, but some nights the ambient noise just keeps me awake (even with my air purifier that acts as a white noise machine). The night my mom had her stroke was one of those nights when I used my earplugs – I can’t remember why. Maybe there was a party going on outside, or there were people hanging out in the living room, or I was just extra restless.

But because of the white noise, and because of the earplugs, and because I had taken a sleeping pill and was deeply asleep, I didn’t hear my phone ring when my dad called in the middle of the night.

So when I woke up at about 5:00 in the morning for no real reason, and saw that I had missed some calls from my dad a few hours before, I knew something was wrong. I went to the living room, listened to the message that my dad had left at about 2:30 in the morning (which basically just said “Katye, call me back”), called him, and heard the news.

And even though I know there was absolutely nothing I could have done in those two and a half hours between the time my dad called and when I got the call, and even though I’m pretty sure nothing drastic is going to happen to my mom right now, I’m afraid to wear earplugs. Afraid I won’t wake up to my phone if it rings in the middle of the night. Afraid that something will happen, and I won’t be able to be there. Afraid, afraid, afraid.

And so I don’t wear earplugs. Even when I’m really tired but restless, and bothered by the slightest noise. Even when earplugs could help me get a full and restful night’s sleep, after some seriously incomplete ones. Even when, by logical thought, I should.

Anyone need some earplugs? I have lots of extras.