A paradox

I’ve been told that I wear my heart on my sleeve. And its true – you can read my emotions on my face, I cry easily, I can’t fake disinterest when I feel something deeply. I tried for so long to hide my emotions, but it never really worked, so I’ve accepted my tears and I let them flow freely - they’re a part of who I am and how I express myself.

I’ve also been told that I have a veneer, a mask of sorts that covers up how I’m really feeling. Especially when I need to get something done, or when I am determined to have fun, I can pretend like nothing is wrong. I can sometimes fool people into thinking everything is normal, even when things are falling apart at the seams.

How do I both wear my heart on my sleeve, and have this mask over my emotions? I’m just that talented.

But my real reason for bouncing back and forth between both: it’s the only way I know how to survive.

If I wore my heart on my sleeve all the time, I’d be a mess. I’d probably never leave my bed, I’d watch ridiculous amounts of television, and I wouldn’t be able to function in the world. If I always wore my heart on my sleeve, everything would fall apart.

And if I kept up my veneer, if I wore my mask all the time, I’d be in denial. I’d never process, I’d never deal with my ish, and ten years down the line I’d end up lying on my bed, watching ridiculous amounts of television, unable to function in the world. If I always wore my mask, I’d only be pretending.

So how are you supposed to really know how I’m doing when you see me? Well, you can read my blog – that’s the most honest and vulnerable picture I can give you of myself. Or you could just ask me, I mean really ask me, when you have time and a desire to hear the real answer. I’ll tell you how I’m doing if I can, or we’ll find a mask-free day to check in.