Monday, February 13, 2012

Sharing

Every time I go to my parents, my mom asks me “How are you doing?”. And most times I give her a pat answer – I tell her I’m fine, I tell her I’m tired, I talk about the traffic getting to San Jose, or I talk about something fun I’ve done in the last week.

But most of the time I’m not actually fine, I’m tired for a lot of reasons, the traffic update isn’t really interesting, and the fun event wasn’t the biggest part of my week.

I’m afraid to tell her how I’m really doing, because most of the time, if I’m not doing well, it’s connected to her. Most of the time I’m worried, or I’m depressed, or I’m overwhelmed because of her stroke, her cancer, and everything connected to all that business. I don’t want to worry her, I don’t want to make her cry, I don’t want to make things harder for her, so I just don’t talk about it.

But then I read this quote:
“I’ve often heard dying people talk about this particular misery that comes from their awareness of the pain they must be causing other people. Experience tells me that it can be alleviated a little if the patient can discuss the onset of death with those around him, and if they can cry together.” Intimate Death, p. 108
Is my desire to protect my mom from pain actually bringing her more misery? Am I causing her more pain by pretending everything is hunky dory?

Maybe. Probably.

Maybe it’s time to tell my mom how I’m really doing. Maybe it’s time to let her be the mom, and me be the daughter. Maybe it’s time to let her protect me, instead of trying to have it be the other way around. Maybe it’s time for us to cry together – we’re both really good at it, so it won’t be a stretch.

I’m scared. But I love her so much, I’ll do anything to make her feel less pain. Even if it means sharing my own pain with her.

2 comments:

  1. I remember freaking out right before my dad's funeral because I had to give the eulogy. I was afraid that I would break down crying and not be able to get through it. And I wanted so much to be strong, strong for my mom, strong for the people around me...

    I ended up sharing my feelings with my mom and it gave her a chance to be strong for me. And it was just a nice moment we got to share. It wasn't a burden for her. It just was right for us to have that interaction.

    I think the lie is that we don't want to burden other people and that we want to carry the burden ourselves. However, I think there's something about carrying the burden together that somehow makes it more... bearable?

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  2. I know your mother loves both you girls so much. She is an amazing woman and my dearest friend, at least for the last 40 years. Love is a powerful gift give to us by God and meant to be share. True love, pure love is as far from rainbows and unicorns, but is the greatest gift of all. When it is right you will be able to have share with your mom all that is on your heart and knowing her as I do she will cherish the chance to comfort and mother you.
    You and your family are never far from my thoughts and prayers.
    Love
    Jill

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