I dreamed about my mom last night. Nothing spectacular happened, she didn’t say anything profound to me, and there wasn’t anything significant going on. But we were in our old house, and she was walking around, between the kitchen, the dining room, and upstairs, just organizing things, doing stuff around the house.
And it felt so real. It looked exactly like it used to. She looked exactly like she used to. Everything was as it used to be.
It’s not fair. (Okay, I normally don’t say things aren’t fair, because what does fair even mean? But that was my first reaction.) I don’t want to think of my mom like she used to be. It’s too much of a stark contrast to how she is now.
I know someday I’ll need to remember my mom as she was, before all this. Someday I’ll have to hold all my memories of my mom together, without comparing one to the other. But right now I can’t. Right now all I can do is see my mom as she is now. Otherwise it hurts too much.
I constantly struggle with something similar to what you've mentioned. Because the 8 months for me were spent watching my dad be in this lethargic, non-responsive state, I have trouble now trying to remember him before those 8 months because they seem like two different people. It's felt like I have lived 3 very different lives: one with his presence strong and me knowing who he was and what role he played, another with him struggling and fighting and me doing the same but more mentally than anything else, and now...one with him gone and me left here to figure it out.
ReplyDeleteIn any sense, the past becomes painful because we mourn what "was", and wonder how we got "here", which, for me, always always leads to "How is this fair?"
I'm sorry for all you're going through, but I'm glad your mom has been recovering well and that you have moments with her that will give you strength to keep fighting, despite how unfair all of this feels.
Hi Katye,
ReplyDeleteI arrived at your blog after clicking on your link in gmail awhile ago, and am just astounded to hear what you're dealing with. I can't really say much that will help, obviously, but please know that I'm thinking about you and your mom, and I send lots of love your direction, for whatever it is worth.
Cristina Buss