Alternate reality

Sometimes, instead of falling asleep, I fall into this dream, this story I've created unintentionally in my head.

In it my mom is already gone, and my dad is the person who dies. But it's not a slow, quiet death - it's a violent death at the hands of a killer, a part of some huge plot (because my dad is of course some sort of super sleuth working for the good of mankind) to overthrow the powers of good in the world.

It happens in England, and they don't catch the guy who set off the bomb that killed my dad. So we're in the middle of this investigation led by a savvy British female detective who is both amazing at solving crimes and at comforting and caring for my sister and me.

I've fallen into this dream a number of times instead of falling asleep, and every time the details of my dad's murder are the same, but I enter into different parts of the story - tonight we found the killer's associates and we're interrogating them to get answers, last night was just the explosion. Sometimes I get stuck in this alternate universe - I'm aware that I'm there, I'm aware that I'm not asleep like I should be, but I can't get out of the story - it feels so real.

I don't know why this is the story that keeps playing in my head. There may be some hidden meaning to it - fear of loosing another parent, remembering the violence and suddenness of the original stroke, or maybe simple proof I watch way to many crime solving shows on TV and that I really like British sleuths (...ahem...Sherlock).

Whatever the reason, sometimes it's nice to live in this alternate reality - where the entity that killed my parent has a face and a name, where I have someone to blame. Where we're being proactive and figuring out the puzzle of death instead of just having to sit in grief.