Thrifting

I think I'm thrifting to find my mom.

In the past two weeks since she died I've been to six thrift stores. And even for an avid thrifter like me that's a record. Some of it is because I have the time - I've had the past two weeks off of work and no mom to take care of so I've been free to do whatever I want.

But I think it's more than that.

I've been looking generally for clothes when I hit each store - shirts, jeans (a pair of Lucky jeans for $19!), shoes, really anything. But I've also been looking for a dress for the memorial service.

I have a black dress that I picked out of my closet a few months ago as my designated funeral dress. It's one my parents bought me when my whole family went shopping together at the H&M in San Francisco, when it was still new and before there was a store in San Jose. I don't wear it that often, which I thought was good, in case I didn't feel comfortable wearing the dress again after the funeral, and it had a connection to my mom. All in all a good solid dress choice.

But in the past two weeks I've found myself almost frantically searching for a new (well, new to me, since I only buy clothing at thrift stores) black dress. Or black top and black skirt. Heck, even a grey dress would be fine. Even if I only have a few minutes in a thrift store I grab all the black dresses that might be in my size and try them on, though I can already tell that at least half of aren't really my style.

I still haven't found a black dress. And I've run out of time and thrift stores to look through. And maybe it's good. Because I think I wasn't just looking for a black dress at these thrift stores - I think I was looking for my mom. If I had ended up finding a black dress it might haven given me some wild hope that if I just looked hard enough I could find her too.