Perpetual motion, and a Q & A

Right now, this near the end, it’s too dangerous to enter into the pain, the grief, the darkness. When I sit still and leave myself open to feel it hurts too much – it overwhelms me, it cripples me and it makes me want to roll up in a ball on my bed and never move.

But right now I can’t afford to go catatonic. Right now I’m in the last days, weeks, months (?) of my mom’s life, and I want to spend as much time as I can with her. Which I can’t do if I’m rolled up in a ball on my bed.

So I keep moving. I keep doing. I keep working, watching TV, cleaning, driving. I don’t stop, I don’t pause, and for now that’s okay. Someday soon things will stop, or at least slow down, and then you’ll find me rolled up in a ball on my bed, and it will almost be a relief.

In the meantime I’m still moving, and people are still wondering how my mom is, and how I’m doing. So here I go, answering the most common questions I get, in case, when you see me, I’m moving too fast to be able to pause and answer from my heart.

“How’s your mom?” She’s dying. Her body is slowly shutting down. She’s in some pain, so she takes morphine every few hours. The morphine helps her to keep talking in 2 – 4 word sentences and sitting up in her chair instead of being in bed all day. She’s still eating and using the bathroom like she always was. Her right side has no strength anymore – it’s basically dead weight. It’s getting harder to lift her and some days I have to call my dad to help me get her from her chair to the wheelchair. But she’s still putting up a fight, and she’s not willing to give in yet. She always stays up until 9pm, even if she’s exhausted, because that’s when she goes to bed.

“How are you doing?” I’m hanging in there. See above to the discussion of perpetual motion. My dad and sister are hanging in there too.

“What are you doing to take care of yourself?” I’m eating, sleeping, exercising, and spending as much time with my mom as possible. Oh, and I’ve stopped feeling guilty for watching so much television. It keeps me going, so it’s totally worth it. Especially Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

“How’s your prayer life?” It’s great (and I'm not saying that sarcastically). It’s integrated. Jesus is with me, and he’s not going anywhere, and I talk to him a lot. It might not look like head bowed, palms together, eyes closed, dear God in heaven kind of prayer, but it works for me.

“Is there anything I can do?” I don’t even know what I can do, so I don’t have a good answer to that question. Lift us up to Jesus or send us good thoughts, suggest good television shows, and just keep being our friends, I guess. Not very tangible, but I guess that’s how it goes.