The Future

I really don’t know what my future is going to look like.

I mean, I didn’t really before, but now I really don’t. All of my plans, or ideas for plans, or inklings of ideas for plans, have gone out the window.

I thought that after the Servant Partners internship, I would stay in Oakland for a little while, but then soon after I would go work with Servant Partners in a slum community overseas, or move to an inner-city church plant in LA, or something.

But now I don’t even know what this last year of the internship will look like. I keep wondering: how much time will I spend in Oakland? How often with I go back to San Jose to help take care of my mom? How much care will she need when she gets done with rehab?

And: will she decide to do chemo and radiation? Or will she forgo treatment? Will she even be alive a year from now?

What I do know is that I want to be close until she dies. I don’t want to be in another country, or even in another part of the state, until I’ve gotten to spend as much time as I can with my mom.

I really felt Jesus asking me recently, before the stroke: “If all you plans fail – if you never go and work in ministry overseas, if you never get married, will I still be enough? Will my love for you still be enough?” And I’ve been able, with some effort, and some letting go of all my well-crafted plans for myself, to say yes. Yes, Jesus, you are enough. No, my faith and my walk with you do not depend on how well you fulfill the plans I’ve created for myself.

And I still say that now – yes, Jesus, you are enough. I just never expected to have my plans changed like this.